A friend’s love journey…A “wifi” kind of love goes bad…

Posted: October 3, 2010 in COM 101 current issues

She thought it was love, but was it really? What is love? She asks that question every day?

I wish I was the love guru that could assist her, but really I’m a disaster too!

She questions me, Is love really unconditional? All about giving, and not expecting? I really don’t think so…

She thought she loved him, but was it love lust or infatuation?

I remember being there for her when she most needed me, I advised her..but at the end of the day I can’t make the decisions for her..

Well let me narrate you through my friend’s love story-gone bad, introducing the Knaap Model of Relational Development along the way, which is considered the most influential models of relationship describing the progression and development of relationship as a series of 10 in two phases

Stage 1-5: coming together

Stages 6-10 coming apart

Coming together…

Stage 1 (Initiating)

They met, it was by chance, through a mutual friend I recall- yet the chemistry sparked instantly. 

I told her they were getting ahead of themselves; take it easy, be rational, and don’t let your emotions take control… But really, at the end of the day love is one of a kind that it really does put a deaf ear to everything, just like the over used cliché “Love is blind”? I think it was that…  I felt like whatever I advised her was meaningless, it went in one ear, and left the other before a day could even pass by! But its ok I did my part, I was just being a good friend, who genuinely cared for a friend.

Well they started the whole 24/7 “wifi” kind of love – phone calls, chatting, skyping, you name it! You bet..They utilized all the social media made available! They talked day and night, but seldom met because of the rents! So they did all the screening and filtering on the phone.  They thought they were made for each other, and it wasn’t even a few weeks? Sigh…

Man, at times I did wonder if I was losing a friend. Whenever I called, the phone was busy, or a reply snapped at me “Can I call you back”…I’m thinking do I have a choice?

She told me “Everything seems so perfect, it’s so surreal”! I could only roll my eyes and think to myself, yea right? Life is not a fairy tale with happy endings.

Stage 2 (Experimenting)

Well they did enough of talking on the phone, what she called “small talks” to learn about each other.  Because of their cultural differences, she told me a lot of their conversations were learning about their culture, and trying to understand and respect each other’s differences.   I do remember her telling me, every time she tried to talk to him about her culture; he didn’t pay much attention and always changing topic- but it never mattered to her! Well at least not then…

 She said it didn’t take much time at all before she felt really comfortable with him, and started disclosing her personal information, because she trusted him dearly.  I thought it was too soon…

Well don’t get me wrong, I’m really not a stalker! It’s just all I hear from her during school, after school, classes, and breaks, and on the phone was about HIM! So I feel that I’m practically in a relationship with this guy I don’t even know, yes weird!

So the love story goes on…

SKIPS Stage 3 (Intensifying)

I don’t recall her telling me much about their level of commitment; I guess he was a player sort? I really don’t know?  But she told me she really did love him, but every time she gets emotional about their commitment he wasn’t too comfortable, she just gave up and said that’s just how he is!

What a pity..Had it been me I’d probably leave him then and there…

Regarding getting physical, like I said it was more of a “wifi” love, I guess because of her parent’s and culture/religion, going physical wasn’t accepted, and certainly not at the age of 17. 

Stage 4 (Integrating)

Well what’s next? The whole thing with going public, I still don’t get it..I guess ‘cos I’m more of a private person?

So one day I was surfing the net, doing the usual, checking out face-book, and I see her relationship status change. I’m thinking, this is so strange, he is not even ready to commit to her, but yet they want to make their relationship status public, and let the world know they are in a relationship? How ironic? From the conservative family that she is from, such publicity is not tolerated. 

I was really pissed, I called her and asked her about it, and all she could tell me was “I don’t know he wanted me to change it”…I asked her back, did he change his status as well? and to my surprise (well not really, because honestly, I never got good vibes from him to begin with) she was silent, and a few seconds later she just hangs up.  Out of curiosity, I went onto his facebook, well guess what…his relationship status was single?

Like seriously, I don’t know how I controlled my anger at that point.  I didn’t even want to befriend her anymore, I felt like she was not confiding in me, when I am ready to help her? I concluded that he wants to portray himself as a single man, but on the other hand show ownership over her? I’m sorry but I feel that is so corrupted and disgusting…

Coming Apart…

Stage 6: Differentiating

As expected, one sudden day she calls up (silence for a minute) then burst into tears, I was overwhelmed, I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Though I expected this day to come, but not this soon? In a way it was a blessing in disguise (phew!)

 She tells me they are having stupid conflicts every day over the smallest things- and he was always picking a fight, even though there was nothing to it.  He was doing this intentionally she felt, just because he wanted his own space, wanted to do his own things. Moreover she noticed every time they quarrelled he would never call and apologize, in fact she always had to make the first move, and say sorry even though she was not at fault. She could not take this anymore. Every time they fought it gave him an excuse to do something she would not have approved of otherwise.  What a looser?

So I was thinking this is the result from skipping to many steps in between, and I personally told her that she jumped into this relationship too fast.   I advised her to move on with her life, for he is showing no signs of interest anymore, he is totally disengaging himself from this relationship that is not even 6 months old. 

She told me she would think over it (I really did cross my fingers and hope she would make a right decision for once).

Stage 7: Circumscribing

She still tried, she really did…she wanted this to work real bad. Honestly I will never understand her, god have mercy on her.   After all he has done, she is still trying to make things work? Well maybe love makes you do crazy things… but that is not a valid excuse, trust me it’s not, almost pathetic!

It was so clear that he has completely lost interest and commitment (the little that he had) moreover, to make things even worse, rumours were even spreading in school that he was dating this other chick.  Exactly, you know what I was thinking…

Yet, she tried calling him repeatedly, almost like holding onto her dear life, it was really insane. He on the other hand slammed her with the same dialogue repeatedly, god he might as well recorded it and put it on repeat, “I don’t want to talk about it”…

Stage 10: Terminating

Thank GOD, she came to her senses finally, and ended this relationship.

I was so happy for her; she deserves someone more worthy, who would love her dearly. 

For me, I was just happy I gained back a friend who I thought I had once lost. 

My take…

But really, I still feel it is better to have loved and lost, than never had loved at all.

What do you guys think? Mind sharing your personal experience?

Do you guys believe in love? What is love? Is it conditional? Unconditional?

Does true love even exist? Or is it just a fabricated illusion? Or is it just infatuation?

  1. Jaspreet Singh Narula says:

    Wow..a very interesting story.I must say that i feel sorry for your friend for what that guy did to her.Played with her feelings and then just leave her.Now that is just disgusting. Regarding your take,i would say yes to it is better to have loved and lost, than never had loved at all. As to experience love is simply magical. Its one of the most important and purest thing on this planet. When someone falls in love with someone and knows that he or she is the right person for them, everything else in the world does not matter. There are suddenly no problems, no issues, just experience love with your special someone. I would say that if a person has not experienced love, its either they have not found the right person. Find the right person to experience love is vital. As without finding the right person,its not called love but infatuation. But it does take time for anyone to find the right person. Anyone will get hurt in the process but in the end when you realize you find whom you are looking for,it is all worth it. My personal experience is just that i am interested in a girl.However there are many complications.But lets see what happens. I hope everything works out. As for your question on believing in love,yes i do. Love is simply in my mind the most beautiful feeling anyone can experience. Falling in love is magical. What is love? Love is the undying bond between two souls. Is love conditional or unconditional? i certainly believe that love should and only be unconditional. For me if a girl whom i love dearly hurts me a number of times, i rather talk to her about the issues and sort them out rather then jump to conclusions. Yes there are people who prefer a conditional love. Some one once told me that he expects the girl to keep him pleasured to sustain the relationship. I think that is honestly disgusting and just low. There is also so much that one person can tolerate, being a girl or guy. No one should take advantage of each other when in a relationship. As i said before,love should be unconditional as thats the meaning of TRUE love. Some one told me that unconditional love can only be found with regards to parents. As no matter how much you hurt them, they will always forgive you.That is also true. But i still stand that you can find someone who loves someone unconditionally.Does true love exist?Yes, i do believe in it and only in it.As the word truth that comes from the word true. And that plays a very big part in love. For to find true love,you have to be true to the other person. For without truth,what is there in love?Nothing. Love has to be about truth,about respecting and honoring your commitments and not about expecting things in return but just love.

  2. suhel manchanda says:

    Manveena you bring us alot of interesting blogs to read, i must say all issues that you put forward really brings lot of meaning to our lives.

    I can see its really tormenting and heart wrenching love story, but like you said better to love and lost, than never had loved at all. Its a life experience situation where love has no boundaries and people get blind in love. People tend to ignore their best friends, family, anyone who comes in their love life’s decision.. I guess that why love is blind! In a realistic world we should always look from both sides of the coin, not that i am favoring one and not the other, Its a point to think about? We see alot of love barriers in life..

    How do you define love? what is love?I think no cord or cable can draw so forcibly, or bind so fast, as love can do with a single thread! Love should be unconditional, never expect anything in return!. When u love someone you dont impose or make them realize how much you care or do for them? Never cling on to them or spy them. Love is 2 way and not one way. One must always respect other’s decision, give them their space like they say true love will always come back if its yours and if not it wasn’t meant to be yours. Live and let live..let go!!

    Does true love exist? I certainly believe it does above all our parents are the biggest unconditional lovers like i and someone felt too they will forgive us no matter how blind or wrong we are, they will always forgive and cuddle us around their arms at the end of the day. Our parents affection and emotions truely means alot for us.. No matter how much we fight with them.. Some love lasts a lifetime. True love lasts forever…

  3. Loui says:

    It is better to have loved and lost, than never had loved at all.Love is a truly beautiful experience.For your friend,she was just unlucky to have found such a shitty guy like him.But there are always others out there.Never give up hope.Love is everywhere.Love for me is without a doubt unconditional.For what is love with conditions.it will not even be love but would rather be a contract.True love does exist.You just gotta hunt for it.As it is not easy to find.But everyone can be loved.But love first starts with yourself.

    • Jeevan says:

      There is a world of difference between conditional and unconditional love. So much so, that one cannot be sure that conditional love can be love at all. The one, who puts conditions upon their love, holds a manipulative power rather than a sacrificial love that costs them something. The one who invest all in a relationship, holding nothing back, and loving unconditionally will experience a love greater than the one who maintains conditions. Regardless of whether the love is unrequited or requited, the unconditional lover knows real love because they give all. Therefore love should only be uncondtional

  4. Rumpy says:

    Love is always unconditional!It should always be.For if it was.It is definitely not love.Your friend must have been shattered, however,this is not the end of the world.She will always find love and will one day find true love.It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.Everyone has to experience love.True does exist.you just have to find it.

  5. soni1220 says:

    Love should simply be unconditional.As for what would love be with conditions?Both the girl and guy play a huge role in a relationship,both should respect each other.The concept of, Love, is to some degree amorphous. Love is volitional and not a feeling. Love is in the act of doing versus the act of feeling. Love is as love does.

  6. Arthur says:

    A relationship cannot last on conditional love. It cannot find sustenance to sustain it through all life’s trials. There is no security in conditional love. However, love is made perfect when it is flowing first between a person and God and then from the person to another person. It is a strand of three cords that is not easily broken. Connecting with divine love enables the flow of love between two people. When the divine connection is squelched it will also squelch the relationship. I personally think that people who believe in conditional love are insane,as that is not love.It should always be unconditional love

  7. Jaspreet Singh Narula says:

    Unconditional love is a choice we make to love a person no matter what. It doesn’t scoff at imperfections or become resentful and bitter. It smiles in the face of adversity. because it knows it is needed the most at that moment. Unconditional loves listens actively and responds accordingly. It doesn’t need a reason or incentive to give itself. It loves because that is what love is supposed to do. It is a gift both to those who receive it and to those who are able to give it. Unconditional love is most recognizable because it gives love even when that love is undeserved, unwanted and nonreciprocating.

    • Ram says:

      I agree with you Jaspreet,conditional love should not even be an option.Conditional love is exactly what the name means to say; conditional means that there are conditions that must be met in order for the love to happen. For instance, some people may love others only if they have a certain physical feature or only if they do something specific. These are conditions that shape whether the love will occur or not. Usually, people think that conditional love is negative and that it is best avoided. However, you may find that unconditional love is difficult to find.But if one were to not give up and keep trying, one will find true and unconditional love.

  8. Megan says:

    I have been in many relationships.Most of them had conditions.I was really stupid to think that they were called “true love”.Conditional love is simply a crime. Unconditional love is that it is given without any *conditions*. This is love that has no limits or boundaries, it does not possess, or dictate. It is freely given without expectations of receiving in return.
    There is never an *if* in this equation.on your question or if there is true love,i agree on that there is such thing as true love.They just take time to find

    • Veera says:

      I agree with you on how love should not be conditional.for what would love be with conditions.Love should be expressed freely not with conditions.Love is supposed to be the symbol of freedom of speech,joy,happiness,feelings and emotions.I also say that true love is out there.you just have to be patient and do not think it is the end of the world.A very interesting blog..Thanks

  9. Kabir says:

    Wow,your friend must have dealt with alot.Especially being her first “love” or i should say relationship.but i would not worry about it as many people make mistakes when the first like a person.its actually called infatuation.Many are deceived by it and call it love.Love should only be unconditional.Regarding our question if true love exists?i say true love does exists.Some people say true love is in the eye of the beholder.but i say other wise.True love does exist.You just have to know here to look.

  10. Pri says:

    Love is a beautiful thing to be honest. And I’m not just refering to love between two opposite gender in BGRs but the love between spouses, parents and child, siblings. Unconditional love comes in automatically.

    I remember going for hiking with my parents when I was very young. It was getting super chilly and cold as we reach at the top of the mountain. A few weeks ago, I was looking through some old photo albums. I came across of myself in my parents’ jackets and sweaters and my parents shivering at the mountain. Yet, they never found it any trouble. They didn’t even complain. And to them, this act was “IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING”..

  11. Sheetal says:

    Love is a BIG word ! What your friend did was probably an infatuation. Which she mistook as love. But that’s very common these days.

    The only way I recognise “true love” from infatuation is when you notice your man never complaining about your flaws. Always being there for you without asking for anything in return..

  12. David says:

    Love is a BIG word ! What your friend did was probably an infatuation. Which she mistook as love. But that’s very common these days.

    The only way I recognise “true love” from infatuation is when you notice your man never complaining about your flaws. Always being there for you without asking for anything in return..

  13. Henrie says:

    Love is a wondeful feeling. However a lot of ppl misunderstand infatuation for true love. When I have a friend telling me his or her woes about how his or her gf/bf is upsetting them.. I always wonder.. Why do they always give more respect and attention to these conditional love or rather these, infatuations instead of realising how their parents might be feeling seeing them upset all the time. I mean.. It’s easy to talk about unconditional love vs infatuation but it’s always difficult to put it into action.

  14. KDH says:

    I agree with Loui. I did rather be loved and lost than to be never loved.

    A couple should never have boundaries but in the process a couple should respect each others’ decisions and needs. Many ppl mistake infatuation for true love. But it’s never too late. True love does exit. It can always be found. But first and foremost, be true to yourself.

  15. ssm says:

    Simply people should understand that love doesnt long on a one sided base! Trying hard is not the solution but one must understand that may be it isnt love but rather falling for someone who doesnt see that future with u ? People got to move on and let others live their life.. May be there is someone out there who deserves and understands your love? Correct me if i am wrong?

  16. Poonam says:

    I agree with you suhel, love is not a game, people cannot impose their commands over someone especially when is also one sided love. You cannot clap without two hands. Learn to understand and respect their feelings or else you would lose your respect in their eyes.

  17. Eddie says:

    True love definately exist! So does unconditional love which Christians call it the Agape LOve of God.

    The Knaap model of relational development is one interesting way to look at the development of a human relationship.

    However, is it hard since time immemorial to differentiate between love, lust and infatuation. It is jus a thin line apart, and you can’t read the other person’s mind, so it remains elusive. Well, you will need to go by trial and error I guess.

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